Be careful what you...

...Pray for.

If a dream is a wish your hearts makes, what is a prayer?

“...But we can never completely understand everything He does. And yet, He does everything at just the right time.” -Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:11‬ ‭ERV

I love that Bible verse and I personally, found it so fitting for the pregnancy announcement I had made for my pregnancy with Samuel, but was too terrified to post.

I found out I was pregnant after trying to conceive for nearly 2 years right before we all went into lockdown in 2020.

We had went to so many doctors appointments to adjust my lupus treatments , make sure my heart was strong to carry out labor / delivery due to having congenital heart defects I've had 4 open heart surgeries for and had the all clear from my doctors as a whole. I finally was pregnant & wanted to celebrate it but the world was an actual dumpster fire & it never felt like an appropriate joy to share in the midst of so much pain .

The day I went to share with my family, my older sister contacted me to inform me our great aunt died of COVID19 . I went to tell them again but boom, another loss, this time my grandma in June 2020 (not due to COVID), I was pregnant at her funeral and made sure I “hid” my belly because I didn’t feel a funeral was an appropriate time to share this blessing either.....

I’ve had 15 miscarriages total, including losing my youngest daughter's twin brother Lucca. I had a miscarriage November 2019 right around Thanksgiving after failed fertility treatments and cycles to keep me pregnant.

As painful as my infertility has been, I’m blessed to know WHY. My infertility is caused by Lupus SLE, an autoimmune disease that causes lupus patients to have an overactive immune system causing your body to attack good cells thinking they’re foreign or “bad”. In my case, including my unborn baby in the early stages of conception.

I finally was pregnant “naturally” only (and I say only loosely) needing heparin blood thinner injections, lowdose of Plaquenil, and progesterone hormone injections to stay pregnant in hopes to prevent miscarriage & heart defects in my baby.

A pandemic may not be the “perfect timing” when you’re in the world, but God’s timing.....Gods timing is always perfect.

He gave me Samuel who brought us so much hope and happiness in one of the darkest times of our lives & although i physically can not have anymore babies , I’m forever thankful for answers to my whys & a happy ending to a very sad journey to motherhood.

All my life as a little girl, I prayed to be a mother. It was the one thing doctors always said was a no go for me due to having such complex heart defects. BUT GOD......

I always prayed to be a mother by carrying and birthing my kids or adoption, but ironically looking back, I never prayed to have a healthy baby. All 4 of my kids were preemie, all 4 have neurological differences or learning differences due to being premature.....never once did I pray for a "normal" motherhood experience.

-Mase, my oldest is autistic, dyslexic, has ADHD and anxiety.

-Vana, my oldest daughter has dyslexia, ADHD, anxiety and Developmental coordination disorder.

-Lucy, my youngest daughter has severe speech delay, ASD (autism spectrum), congenital heart defects, thyroid abnormalities, and physical delays.

-Sam, my youngest son, although a newborn, has occupational and physical therapies to help him learn to swallow / eat without his feeding tubes to build muscle tone in his mouth, he also has failed his hearing tests 5 times so far and next month if he fails again, the doctors will diagnose him legally deaf but it isn't abnormal for 34 week preemies to fail hearing tests in the hospital due to NICU settings, he also was born with congenital heart defects.

"God let me be a mother." - God answered that, and He gave me 4 beautiful, smart, kind, empathetic, compassionate, funny, strong...children. They are happy, they are full of life and hope. They are more than I could ever ask for.

I loathe that saying" God doesn't give you more than you can handle" because as a special needs parent, it IS ALOT. And on the really hard days, it IS more than I can humanly handle. It can be overwhelming, stressful and some nights I cry myself to sleep asking God if I am good enough. I stopped asking why awhile ago, and started saying "You trusted me with these kids, so please help guide me, lead me and educate me on how to help them to be the best versions of themselves."

I love being a mother, I truly feel it is the only thing in my entire existence I haven't screwed up. I know that this is my calling. To be THEIR mother, a special needs mother.

Being pregnant and giving birth in a pandemic put everything in deeper, clearer understanding for me personally as a parent. And the major things I learned is this:


No matter how successful you are, no matter where you are financially, there will ALWAYS be something that makes the timing to have kids not so "perfect".

Which leads me to my second lesson:

🗲Life's blessings is on God's timing not our own time frame.

We can plan when we want to get married by, have kids by, when we want to own a home, graduate school, get that dream job....

But if it isn't in God's timing or planning, you are going to be very disappointed in life. Take life as it comes, accept the fact we aren't in control of other people, we aren't in control of the worlds outcome or actions....and we sure aren't in control what the Lord has in store for us all because sometimes the answer to your prayers and plans is "NO!" because His plans are better than the plans we could have ever mapped out for ourselves.

So just enjoy what is in front of you. If you find yourself in a situation at an uncomfortable timing, cling to Jesus, stay still in prayer and just understand that bible verse I shared in the beginning of this entry...His timing is perfect even if it is beyond our understanding.

"God thank you for trusting me with these children."

Everything I ever prayed for in one photo......

But it sure isn't a perfect life and it's totally okay.

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