ORIGINALLY POSTED : DECEMBER 23, 2020
Originally, I had share this post on Dec. 23, 2020 but decide to wait until my son was stabilized and home from the NICU to share. Thank you all for being so understanding
I know this may shock....well, everyone...
I spent my entire 2020 lock-down, pregnant with my little boy.
After trying to conceive for nearly 2 years, multiple miscarriages and failed fertility cycles, we finally were pregnant with a beautiful little boy.
I had chosen to keep the news off social media until after birth because well, it's my right to do so.
I was so high-risk due to having Lupus SLE, CHD, history of many miscarriages and other life threatening health issues that came up later in my pregnancy with my little boy -after MUCH thought and prayer, we chose to keep this blessing safe under our roof to reduce stress and worry as best as we could.
After losing Lucca and my last miscarriage in November 2019 being beyond devastating, the fact my son was born prematurely due to my health and has spent weeks in the NICU, I wasn't willing to share my blessing.
I was not hiding my pregnancy, nor is he a secret - in fact, I have celebrated his life the moment we were told he was a "Sticky baby" (meaning, he wasn't going to be miscarried)- all behind closed doors.
There is this weird notion I noticed in the era of social media that if it isn't posted, it didn't happen. The reality and fact of the matter is life goes on without social forums even if it isn't broadcasted.
I had a gender reveal party for the kids and my youngest sister [via VideoChat] the 4th of July weekend. My little sister was the ONLY family member I told I was pregnant at that point because my due date was her birthday and she knew about our IVF journey in the past & knew we have been trying for a baby before COVID took over 2020 and she was so beyond supportive - so I had to share with her! Bigup's to my sis, you a real one for keeping this respectfully under wraps ! LOL
4TH of July was my due date with the baby we lost in November 2019 - It just felt right.
I know ALOT of people are pissed off / angry , some are hurt , others are confused and some honestly mock me "SHE THINKS SHE A CELEB LIKE KYLIE JENNER HIDING IT" - here's the reality - and it may be a hard fact to swallow :
This milestone in my life, isn't about you.
My body, my children, my family planning - IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS NOR IS IT A TOPIC OPEN TO YOUR INVALID VIEWPOINTS.
I personally have shared so much in hopes they see they weren't alone in their journey with Lupus, CHD, infertility, special needs parenting, and so on - I was ready for the next chapter in my life. I just wanted this baby to be my special moment- privately. I wasn't hiding him, wasn't keeping a secret - I was keeping my blessing safe.
It is bad enough Johnny wasn’t allowed at any of my appointments, couldn't come to a single medical ultrasound - I had to pay out of pocket for a private 4-D ultrasound in a special ultrasound studio and that was the only way Johnny and my kids could see our baby , I wasn't allowed to video chat my husband in any appointments & I had to give birth alone due to COVID19 restrictions and the emergency situation that lead to my delivery. (I will explain more of that in another entry.) !
If my husband wasn't able to 100% experience this pregnancy & birth, let alone my children can't meet their baby brother until he is discharged from NICU after being in the neonatal intensive care unit for weeks, why would social media have that privilege to experience or see him before my own family?
Life is about learning.....
People on Instagram didn't respect boundaries with my pregnancy with Lucca and Lucy in 2018. Random people would message me demanding to know Lu's name and gender before my children even knew. People involved themselves in my pregnancy yet did not know me in person, had no relationship with me outside of liking my photos and it wasn't just someone being happy for us, it was obsession - and it was beyond disrespectful to dismiss our loss of our son Lucca and make it all about them & their need to know every detail of Lucy - it was scary and weird and I just did not want to be subjected to that ever again.
MY PREGNANCY IS NOT A CONDIMENT OR SOME FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT.
I kept my pregnancy private as possible because it's soo sacred- it was a blessing just for me & my husband. I learned from my past pregnancy experiences, my blessings are not meant for the world. I learned from past pregnancies, some people are just blind to how their actions impact others and some are just simply vile humans, that are so cruel they find gossiping about & stressing out a mom-to-be some form of comedy, entertainment or a void to fill from their own insecurities or self-hate.
So, going private with this was the healthiest choice we could make. Trust me I am not that interesting nor am I a celebrity so I find it weird the level of interest alot of people seem to have for me.
"Accidently out Kylie'd, Kylie Jenner"
Samuel "Sammy" Knox entered the world on December 1st, 2020 after an emergency c-section due to my uterus erupting at 34 weeks leading me to have an emergency hysterectomy. (Again, I will touch on this in another entry at another time.) Samuel was born with 2 congenital heart defects and will be monitored through out the 1st year of life to make sure he will not need open heart surgeries or any invasive interventions.
I still have yet to post an official announcement and refuse to until he is home from NICU.
(***::Update:: On January 1.2021 after 32 days in NICU he finally came home & has officially been announced on my personal social media page!)
Despite the horrific situation that lead to his birth, I couldn't ask God for anything more. My son is so loved and he is perfection!
To my Samuel,
You are NOT the byproduct of a pandemic, you are NOT the result of your parents lack of ability to "social distance", you are NOT a consequence of quarantine, you are NOT a "COVID BABY".
What you are is a prayer answered, you are living proof God listens and delivers in His perfect timing, you are the greatest gift , you are the light during the darkest times this generation has ever seen and lived through, you are the answer to our hopes, tears, and journey of finally having you after all this time of trying, you are loved beyond measure. You are proof miracles are not impossible.
Samuel, you are everything and more!
We are complete xo
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